


Ich will kein Engel sein

by Cobrariedel



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anxiety, Eventual Romance, F/M, will keep adding tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-04-26 12:46:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14402433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cobrariedel/pseuds/Cobrariedel
Summary: It had been a year, but Amanda still had troubles moving past her last relationship. Hopefully, after her friend Jacob manages to get her a new job as the personal assistant of Rammstein and she gets to stay with them in Paris, will she be able to get over her past and finally move on.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter is a bit short, but hopefully the others will be longer! :)

**Chapter one**

We were in the air, flying to Paris to meet up with my new colleagues. I wasn’t alone, I had my friend Jacob right beside me as he was the one who’d gotten me this job, and he was also going to work as their co-producer during the album they were recording. My hands clutched the seat and I was incredibly nervous, like I always was when flying, but this time I was even more nervous - I was about to meet one of my favorite bands for the first time. Jacob saw how much I was shaking and let out a laugh before grabbing my hand. 

 “There’s nothing to worry about, I wouldn’t get you this job if I didn’t think they’d like you,” he assured me, but I couldn’t answer him. It was like the words got stuck in my throat so I only smiled at him. “Something else is bothering you,” he continued with a more stern look on his face and I knew there was no way to avoid the subject.

 “I’d rather not talk about it,” I answered, telling him the truth. What I was referring to was one of the reason I felt like I had to leave my home in Germany for a while, to get away from all the shit that had gone down there. It was a long story that involved jealousy, alcohol, and some broken bones - but that’s a story for another time.

 “If you say so,” he said and let go of my hand. Right as he did so, the flight attendants announced that we were about to land and that we had to put on the seatbelts.  _ It’s finally over _ , I thought and was happy to finally be safe on the ground.

 The landing was over a little while later, and after we’d gotten our bags from the check-out there was a black car with tinted windows waiting for us outside. The driver quickly got out to help us with our luggage, and even though I’d rather take care of it myself, I appreciated his determination to help us. Before we knew it, we were out on the road, on the way to the house they were staying at. 

 I turned to Jacob sitting next to me. “Are you sure they’ll like me? That I won’t be in the way for them?” I asked anxious.

 “Yes, of course!” he answered with a grin and lit a cigarette, offering me one but I declined. I was trying to avoid smoking while anxious so it wouldn’t turn into a coping mechanism. “What are you so worried about? I can’t think of a single thing that’s unlikeable about you.” His comment made me blush.

 “But you’ve known me since I was a child, you have to say things like that,” I told him. “Won’t they think I’m a bit young to be an assistant? I mean, I am  _ way _ younger than they are. In their eyes I’m probably just a child.” I looked down at my hands and started fiddling with my fingers.

 He let out a small sigh, like he always did when he was thinking about something. “Well, they have a few years more experience than you do, that’s for sure. But I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about,” he assured me, and as much as I wanted to believe him, I had a hard time letting go of my bad thoughts. “I’m certain that as soon as we arrive at the house all those bad thoughts will go away, trust me.” 

 He wasn’t right about my bad thoughts disappearing, because as soon as I realized that we were pulling into the driveway and saw how luxurious the huge house was I started regretting my choice of clothing - a pair of black jeans accompanied by a  _ Queen _ shirt - another one of my favorite bands.  _ I could’ve at least picked one of my nicer dresses _ , I thought. The driver was quick to pull out our bags and carried them to the entrance, with Jacob and I shortly following after. From what I could see, it was an old-fashioned mansion right next to a lake along with a nice backyard with a maze in it. 

 “Do I need to introduce them to you, or do you already know everyone by heart?” Jacob winked at me once we’d entered the house. “Just don’t let any of them get to you. I can’t stand to see you that broken again.”

 “They can’t break me, I’m already broken,” I told him, and we both knew what I was referring to. “I think I can introduce myself, unless I lose the ability to speak from nervousness.” I smiled at him while taking of my jacket.

 “Why would you be nervous?” I heard a voice say from behind me, and I turned around to be met by Richard’s face. “We won’t kill you, I swear,” he said and winked at me while reaching out his hand for me to shake.

 “Oh, uh, I-” And just like that, I lost my words. Being starstruck was something I’d never experienced before, and I would have to get used to it since I’d be around them quite a lot. “Sorry, I’m Amanda,” I quickly spat out and shook his hand, almost melting and was met by a laugh from him.

 “It’s okay, I’ve seen girls faint at the sight of us. Come on, I’ll show you around and introduce you to the others,” he told me before turning to Jacob. “I think Till might need some help in the studio.”

 “I’ll be on my way then! Take care of her,” Jacob answered with a quick pat on my back before heading off to help Till with something. 

 Richard led me into a large room, which I assumed would be some kind of living room since it had sofas and a large fireplace in the middle of the room. On one of the sofas sat someone whom I could only assume was Schneider seeing from the side. He looked up at me and gave me a small nod and a smile, which I returned but we didn’t have much conversation. 

 Right as we were about to leave for another room, Paul exited what looked like the kitchen and walked up to me. “Amanda, right? I’m Paul, but I’m sure you already know that,” he greeted me with and shook my hand. “I think you can find Oliver and Flake in the kitchen.”

 “Have you seen Till yet? I sent Jacob to check up on him,” Richard said to him. 

 “Nope, I think he’s still grumpy. But I think meeting someone new would put him in a better mood. Especially a beautiful girl like yourself,” Paul answered and smiled at me.

 “Oh, thank you,” I answered with a little uncertainty in my voice, but flattered by the compliment. 

 We went into the kitchen to say hi to Oliver and Flake quickly, before Richard started leading me towards my room.

 “So, how do you feel about the job?” he asked me.

 “I feel great! It’s always been a dream of mine to work closely with a band, if I can be honest,” I answered grinning.

 “That’s good. We hope you’ll like it here,” he continued as he opened the door to my room. It was big, but I assumed that theirs were bigger. It had a large queen-sized bed, a TV, and a couch. There was also a door that I assumed led to a bathroom. “This is where you’ll stay.”

 “Thanks for showing me around,” I said to him before he left me to unpack my things. 

 I threw my bag onto the bed and opened to start unpacking all my clothes, but only after I’d taken out my iPod and put my earbuds in to have some music accompany me. I looked through the playlist and decided that I felt like listening to some Black Sabbath. The song  _ Iron Man _ came on, which was one of my favorites. There was a dresser right next to the bed so I started putting my clothes in there while humming to the music. Once I was done unpacking my clothes, I walked into the bathroom with my toilet bag full of makeup, and started lining up all the products inside the cabinet above the sink. I continued to hum to the song and turned around to walk out to the main area. Walking out of the bathroom, I almost stumbled into someone and I thought I was going to have a literal heart attack. I quickly took out my earbuds to look up and see that I was standing face to face with Till Lindemann - or more chest to face since he was a lot taller than me.

 “Sorry, I didn’t hear you enter,” I said while showing him the earbuds.

 “Richard told me you’d arrive and I thought I should probably introduce myself,” he said with his deep voice and reached out his hand which I grabbed. It was a lot bigger than mine and it almost seemed like my hand was absorbed by his. He then took a few steps back to sit down on the couch. 

 “No need for introductions, I already know who you are,” I said with a little laugh and was met with a smile from him. He patted his hand on the empty space next to me, and I happily joined him.

 “It sounded like you were humming to Black Sabbath, am I right?” he looked at me curiously. “I am a fan of them myself.”

 “You heard right, I was listening to  _ Iron Man _ . It’s one of my favorite songs by them,” I answered.

 “I don’t know a lot of women at your age who like their music, or anything close to it,” he continued with a smile on his face. “You like our music as well, I assume?”

 The question made me think of whether I should tell him that I had been a huge fan since they released their first album, or if I should tone it down a bit. I decided to go for something in between. “Well, I can’t say I don’t enjoy your music. I really liked your last album,  _ Sehnsucht _ .”

 “How come?”

 “I liked the dark theme of  _ Klavier  _ and  _ Alter Mann _ , I guess. It has a nice theme throughout the whole album of course, but those two songs are really what made me like it so much,” I answered, a bit unsure as if I’d shared too much and he would think I was another crazy fan. His whole presence made me nervous to begin with.

 “I’m glad you like them,” he said. “Well, I have to go back to writing. We’ll see each other at dinner.” I was a little sad to see him go, since it seemed like we got along pretty well. 

 “Richard told me you had some troubles,” I said to him as a last attempt to keep the conversation going a little more.

 “Yeah, they wanted me to make some changes but I can’t seem to come up with anything that sounds better. Richard is never pleased with anything I bring them,” he answered, sounding almost sad. He then lit up and continued. “Jacob told me that you have experience in writing, do you think you could help me out?”

 It felt like a thousand butterflies were raging around in my stomach at the moment after he’d asked me that.  _ Of course! _ was what I wanted to yell, but I knew I had to keep my excitement down a little. “Yeah, sure. Lead the way,” I smiled at him and started following him out.

 We got into his room, which was surprising since I thought we were heading for the studio, but it showed that I was right about their rooms being much larger than mine. Not that it was something that bothered me, I was incredibly lucky to be living in the same house as my favorite band. He led me over to his sofa, which had a large TV in front of it. He then pulled out a notebook, where I assumed was where he kept all of his lyrics and poems, and literally ripped out a page and gave it to me.

 “If you could just read this, and tell me what you think of it,” he asked me and I happily did so.

\---

Dinner came around rather quickly, only about an hour after I’d been invited to Till’s room, and we went down to the dining room only to see that the others had been too lazy to cook something and they had ordered pizza instead.

 “Jacob told us what you prefer, so we hope you like it,” Flake said to me and pointed to one of the boxes.

 “Thank you,” I smiled at him.

 We sat down at the table, I sat down next to Jacob, and started grabbing our pizzas. I hadn’t realized before how hungry I was until I’d opened my box and was hit in the face by the steam.

 “Alright, so what’s the plan for next week?” Jacob asked out of the blue.

 “Writing, recording, and there’s a party on Friday night in Paris that we’ve been invited to. I said that we’d attend if nothing else came up,” Schneider answered.

 “Where is it?” Paul asked.

 “At some mansion, I don’t remember the guy’s name.”

 “Fuck yeah, it’s been so long since we went to a party,” Richard blurted out, his mouth stuffed with pizza. Flake, Oliver, and Till were all sitting quiet while the others continued talking about the party, including Jacob which I assumed was also attending. I did not expect to be invited.

 I finished most of my pizza, leavin only two pieces, and excused myself before leaving the table. Sitting there quiet while the others were blabbering on about things made me uncomfortable, as I didn’t really feel like I belonged there yet. It was something I hoped would change soon though, as all of them seemed like really nice guys.

****  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two  
There was a knock on my door and I put down the book I was reading to see who it was. The last week hadn’t been very eventful, which meant that I could catch up on some reading. Behind the door stood Till, to my surprise. We hadn’t spoken very much to each other since I’d helped him with some of the lyrics, only some casual conversations at the dinner table.  
“Are you going to join us?” he asked me, with a smirk on his face.  
“Join you?” I asked, not knowing what he was referring to.  
“The party in town,” he answered. “We’ll be out in about an hour.”  
I was shocked that he invited me, and I was happy about it but parties had never been my thing. “I don’t know, I don’t really like parties,” I answered.  
He raised his eyebrows at me. “Why not?”  
“It’s just so… Crowded. It feels awkward, especially if I don’t know anyone there.”  
“You know me,” he said and winked at me, making me almost blush a little. “Come one, I’ll keep you company throughout the evening. It’ll be fun, I swear.”  
I let out a sigh. “Okay then, I’ll go get ready. Casual or formal?”  
“Something in between,” he answered and closed the door, leaving me alone.  
Because of his answer, I decided to take on one of my nicer blouses along with a pair of black jeans; I’d never been a huge fan of skirts anyway. Before I put them on, I quickly washed my hair, blow dried it and put it in a bun. I decided to not go all out with my makeup, but I did put on eyeliner to look a bit fancier than I usually did. Right before I exited my room to join them downstairs, I took a look in the mirror. I let out a loud sigh, realizing that I wasn’t going to get any prettier than this, and left my room.  
In the living room sat Till along with Jacob and Richard. “Hello, pretty,” Jacob said to me, making me blush a little. “Are you ready to go? The others already left.” I nodded to them and was met with a smile from Till. If only he kept his promise to keep me company.  
We got into the car, with Richard in the driver’s seat, Jacob on the passenger side, and Till and I in the backseat. “How are you feeling?” Till asked me to my surprise, almost in a whisper like he didn’t want them to hear him.  
“I’m doing alright, why?”  
“You seem nervous,” he answered and looked at me, with a slight concern lingering in his eyes.  
“I’m not really used to parties,” I said with a small chuckle.  
“Just stay with me and you’ll be okay,” he smiled at me, and his answer made me relax a little, like a heavy weight was little off of my shoulders.  
We pulled into the driveway of a mansion, with people lingering outside and we could hear the music loudly even if it was playing from the inside. Jacob was quick to open the door for me and help me out - he’d always been somewhat of a gentleman - and we entered the building. Schneider immediately walked up to us and smiled at me.  
“You made it,” he said to me, almost like he was surprised.  
“Can’t say it was one hundred percent voluntarily,” I answered and smirked at Till. “But I’m glad I’m here.”  
“We are too,” Richard answered and put his arm around my shoulders to pull me into a side hug. I saw Till staring at him, but it was hard to say exactly what he was thinking since he was hard to read.  
When Richard let me go I felt Till put his hand on my back. “If you’ll excuse me, I’d love to show her around this place,” he said to the others and they all nodded before continuing of with their conversation. Till started leading me into one of the bigger rooms, where he approached another man whom I assumed was someone he knew.  
“Till!” the man shouted and pulled him into a hug. “Who’s this? A girlfriend?” he asked and reached out to shake my hand.  
“Something like that,” Till answered, which surprised me and also made me blush. I bet I was as red as a tomato in that moment and quickly let go of the man’s hand. “This is my friend Peter,” he explained to me.  
“It’s nice to meet you,” I said, trying to sound as polite as possible despite my blushing. “I’m Amanda.”  
“Well, why haven’t I heard of you before? Are you trying to keep secrets from me, Till?” Peter asked with a smirk on his face.  
“She’s staying with us at the mansion,” Till explained.  
“You getting a new band member or what?”  
“She did help me with some of the lyrics,” he said and looked down at me with a smile. “But I’d love to continue showing her around, if you’ll excuse me.”  
“Of course! See you later,” Peter said and walked off.  
The curiosity got the better of me, and I couldn’t help but asking him. “So, I’m your date now?” The question made Till laugh a little.  
“Peter is a very determined person, and if he’s decided that your my girlfriend, I guess you’ll have to be for tonight. It’s easier to just agree with him rather than trying to explain the truth,” he explained to me, which made me a little disappointed but I understood. It’s not like he actually wanted to associate himself with someone like me, he only did it because he felt pity for me.  
I shook off my thoughts to try and enjoy the night, as he led me into what looked like a dining hall. On the table stood a few drinks and he grabbed us one each, which I gladly took. Hopefully, the alcohol would help me relax. After one sip, I started to feel the tension disappear; it must’ve been something very strong. While I was sipping on my drink and desperately trying not to lose Till in the crowd, I noticed that some women were starting to pay a little more attention to him.  
“I need to go out for a smoke, I’ll be on the balcony,” I told him, deciding that I shouldn’t stop him from having a flirt with them. It did feel wrong to leave alone, but if I just stayed on the balcony where I knew he could find me later, I’d be fine. He nodded at me, and while the women approached him, I left to go out. I’d only been there for about thirty minutes, and I already felt like going back home.  
The balcony was empty, which was good, and I lit a cigarette and took a long drag to really let the nicotine do its job. Beneath the balcony was a seemingly endless field, and with the moon hanging high in the sky, it seemed like the perfect place to be at; I certainly did not regret my decision to go out there.  
Right before I’d finished my cigarette was I accompanied by someone on the balcony, and I turned around quickly to see who it was. It wasn’t someone I knew so I turned back to look out over the field. The man looked like he was about thirty, he was tall, and looked quite muscular, and he also walked up to stand next to me.  
“Mind if I join you?” he asked, sounding very polite.  
“Go ahead,” I answered, trying to sound uninterested.  
He pulled out his own cigarette and lit it while I was putting out mine. I noticed that he was staring quite intently at me. “Do I recognize you from somewhere?” he asked.  
“No, I don’t think so,” I answered, not recognizing him. Or so I thought, until I took one more look at him. “Wait…”  
“I do know you!” he exclaimed while pointing a finger at me. “The fuck are you doing here?” It took me a while to realize exactly who he was, but once I did, the only thing I wanted to do was get out of there.  
“Partying I guess,” I answered, feeling myself shaking a little bit - either because of the cold or because I was getting nervous. “You’re Martin’s brother, right?”  
He grinned and put an arm around me, making me incredibly uncomfortable. “She remembers! It’s a shame you two broke up,” he said in a happy tone, and I couldn’t disagree with him any more. “Why did you break it off anyways? I mean, he could be an ass from time to time, but breaking it off that suddenly seems a little harsh.”  
“From time to time?” I exclaimed, quickly pulling away from him. “Are we even talking about the same person?! You’re brother was a fucking asshole all the time!”  
He either had some serious control issues, or he’d just drunk too much, but whichever it was, it wasn’t good. “The fuck did you say about my brother?” he said in a low tone while slowly approaching me. Normally, I would get into defense mode or run away, but I’d grown over the past year and decided to stay where I was.  
“The truth,” I growled back at him.  
“Oh, you will regret this, you bitch,” he said, but to my surprise he didn’t do anything, and instead he rushed away and ran into Till in the doorway. “Out of my fucking way!” he yelled as he pushed Till to the side before he went inside and slammed the door shut behind him.  
Till turned to me. “Who was that?” he asked calmly, even though I could see him tense his hands.  
“Someone I used to know,” I answered, still kind of pissed. He approached me and put his hands on my shoulders, probably trying to calm me down.  
“Did he do something to you?” He had a look of worry in his eyes, and I took a deep breath to attempt to relax.  
“No, his brother did, but it’s a long time ago,” I assured him. It took him some time, but eventually he let me go and we agreed on going back inside to try to enjoy the rest of the evening.  
“But he won’t hurt you, will he?” he asked, almost shouting in the crowd.  
“No,” I answered, not entirely sure if I was telling the truth or not.

\---

Never did I think that she would be able to drink so much without passing out, considering her tiny figure - but here we were, me dragging her through the corridor towards her room while she kept babbling on about the man who spoke to her at the party.  
“Next time I see him, I will fucking punch him,” she said ina grumpy voice, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little.  
“Or maybe you could just avoid talking to him,” I suggested. “Wouldn’t want you to get in a fight now, would we?”  
She looked up at me with tired, drunk eyes. “Maybe you’re right,” she said while yawning. “I need to get someone to do it for me.” I opened the door for her and helped her inside, and she immediately threw herself onto the bed.  
“I’d do it if he hurts you,” I told her, knowing that she wouldn’t remember it in the morning, and she looked up at me again with a glimpse of hope in her eyes.  
“Could you beat up my ex as well?” she asked.  
“Only if he hurt you,” I answered.  
“If you only knew.” She buried her head in the pillow and let out a huge sigh, making me a little worried as to what she’d been through. I sat down next to her. “I like you,” she said out of the blue after several moments of silence.  
I looked down at her confused, but she was still buried in the pillow. “Why?” I asked her.  
“You seem like a good man,” she explained. “You care about people.”  
“Well, I try.” I crossed my legs and put a hand on her shoulder and she opened her eyes. “Are you doing okay?” I asked, trying to change the subject.  
“I’m piss-drunk so I don’t know,” she answered with a laugh. “Are you going to stay the entire night here?” she asked.  
“I’ll leave if you want me to.” I looked down at her and we locked eyes for a moment. “Do you want me to stay?”  
“I think I do,” she said after a few moments and gave me a drunk smile.


End file.
